Searching for Peace
by The Windy Woman
Summary: Tony Makarios is caught by the Gobblers and sent to Bolvangar. Note: story changed somewhat from the books.
1. The Beautiful Woman

**Author's Note:** Alright Ferret Girl, there are your marshmallows. Sybil Remethiel, I'm getting to your How Elves Die, just be patient. Okay, so devoted Golden Compass readers will know that the story of Tony Makarios is actually provided in the book. I'm sorry to have rewritten part of his role in the book, but I had to (common writer's excuse). Oh, and as a disclaimer, I don't own His Dark Materials, Tony Makarios, dæmons, or anything like that, unfortunately.

Tony Makarios sat on a barrel next to one the cows and whistled. A sparrow fluttered around his head twittering. Then she landed on his arm, changing almost instantaneously into a hawk. That was her favorite form; Tony was pretty sure that when he grew up, that would be the form she would take. And he was growing up, Ratter had told him that. He would be a man soon, and it was a pertaining pride that kept him here with the cows his father was selling at the market instead of playing in the river with the other market boys and girls.

His dæmon Ratter was not circling above him. He felt her glee in the air as she wheeled and turned, going farther adventurously, and then zooming back before it hurt them. There was a connection between dæmon and human, a connection that made them not want to part, that made them share thoughts and feelings, that made a dæmon become only one form when his or her human grew up. Some dæmons didn't like growing up; they would much rather have stayed changeable forever, but Ratter was brave and proud, much like Tony, though she was a little more cautious than he was.

Suddenly a voice interrupted his thoughts and her elation at flying. She flew back down to his shoulder to look at this specimen, a beautiful lady with an equally beautiful dæmon perched on her shoulder, though both looked rather weary. Ratter changed into a mouse for courtesy and nerves, for they had both just realized how dirty Tony was.

The lady spoke, "Ah, dear boy, could you possibly help me carry this basket? I've walked quite a ways and must keep going still, but I'll give you some marshmallows if you can carry it for me."

Ratter nibbled his jacket and he knew at once what she meant. The two were having a silent debate:

_She's very pretty_, thought Tony, _and dainty, too, she's no harm. I can be a gentleman and carry it for her._

_You're only doing it for the marshmallows,_ Ratter thought back, _you know you have to be careful of strange people. Remember the Gobblers? Remember Rita? You've got to be careful!_

_She's tired, she wouldn't be able to do anything to me, _he thought, a little impatiently, _besides, I am being careful. If I feel danger, I'll leave._

Ratter sighed inaudibly. He was always stubborn, though of course she was too. But he wasn't the most careful person, more mischievous than anything.

All of this had happened in a very short amount of time, while the lady saw Tony considering. "Alright, ma'am, I'll do it. Where do you want me to take it?"

"Follow me," she said gratefully.

She led him up a lane and deeper into the town. They walked for a while, Tony bent over carrying her heavy basket. After a little while, Ratter, who, as a hawk once more, had been spying ahead, came down and whispered in his ear, "Tony, look up."

He did so, and found himself in a part of town he had never dared to go. The houses were big and white, well kept and glorious. This was where the rich people lived; the rich people who bought his father's vegetables and who were now looking at some of his father's cows for sale. The lady was leading him on with quick strides, which startled him for some reason, but he figured she just must be eager to get home. He adjusted the basket; it was rather bulky. Thinking it would be rather impertinent to ask what was in it, he asked instead, "How much farther, ma'am?"

"Not much farther now," she said in her mellifluous voice.

A cry made him look ahead. They were leaving the rich houses behind again, and the wharves stretched out in front of them, busy and confusing. Tony had to run a little to keep up with the woman as she swept vigorously up to one of the finer warehouses. The cry had come from some of the seagulls nearby. Ratter had already changed shape and was soaring among them as one of their kind, though they could sense she had a greater intelligence. Then she flew down and alighted on Tony's shoulder as a small black rat as they entered the building through a side door.

They were in a small room, rather bare except for a counter along one wall with another basket sitting on it, and a stool next to it. A door at the side led off farther into the warehouse. Inside, the lady instructed him to put down the basket, and he did so happily.

"And here," she said, reaching into the other basket on a counter, "is your pay."

She handed him three or four of the puffy, white candies.

"Thank you, ma'am," he said, remembering his manners. He wasn't sure whether he should go or not. But before he could decide what to do about it, he found the lady talking.

"You know, I have quite a few more, if you want. In fact, I have work you could do for marshmallows and chocolatl. Would you like that?"

Something was buzzing in his ear: Ratter was hissing warnings into his ear a mile a minute. He himself had begun to feel weary, so he asked, "What kind of jobs?"

"Carrying things like this for me. You're a strong lad, aren't you?"

"Yes, ma'am," he said proudly, though he was still wary. He asked the one question that was biggest in his mind; "But ma'am, what about my family?"

"Oh, I can write them a letter if you would like, telling them where you are how you're a good strong lad who is working lifting things for a silly old lady. And you can visit them whenever you want."

"You're not silly or old," he burst out, but was instantly aware of the flush creeping up his neck. She smiled at him indulgently, and he said finally, "Alright, ma'am, if you write a letter, and I can visit them whenever, and I get more of them" he indicated the marshmallows "then I'll be fine with it."

"Perfect!" she said, delight and charm filling her voice. She knocked on the door in the corner and in walked a short, squat little man, though he was rather strong. She spoke with him quietly for a few minutes and then turned back to Tony, who had begun eating the marshmallows and (unbeknownst to him) had sticky white fluff around his mouth.

"Captain Pemberidge here has a special assignment for you, if you like. He's going on a little boat trip, and he needs a strong lad like you to help with loading and unloading it. You wouldn't be gone for long, and you would be fed and given more candy—"

She didn't really have to say any more. Traveling had always been Tony's ambition, to sale away somewhere and explore the land. And he wouldn't be gone for long either, so if he didn't like it, he could always come back home and never see the lady again. And there was candy in it for him… He couldn't help feeling like he got the bigger end of the bargain.

"Yes, I'd love to!" He said. Ratter had lost most of her unease also, for the golden monkey dæmon of the lady was looking at her in a rather friendly way. They followed Captain Pemberidge out onto the wharves, excitement coursing through every vein.


	2. The Adventure Turns Sour

The crashing of the waves sounded around them, and the slow rocking of the ship was beginning to make Ratter seasick. He was in a cabin with many other boys, and even some girls. They were all a little less excited now, but still hopeful, waiting to explore the new land. And they were waiting for the candy too. As yet they had only been on the ship over the afternoon and through the night, and now as the morning light broke above on the deck they waited for their breakfast, speculating on what it would be.

This whole experience was so new, so exciting. Tony was anticipating every minute of it, drinking up every minute of it, every roll of the ship, every good thought that crossed his mind. He was feeling a little sick in his stomach from Ratter's dizziness, but other than that was bright-eyed and ready. His dream of being an explorer was finally coming true. And then when we get home, he fantasized, father and mum will be so proud, and I'll be a man, and I'll be able to bring in more money so we can live in the rich part of town. Ratter threw a thought at him; don't count your chickens before they hatch. He was confused, but didn't care.

He was going on an adventure.

* * *

The children were being herded out onto a cold little wharf. They had been given furs before being led on deck, but some were still shivering. Something was definitely wrong. They had not been sailing a mere few days, but for several weeks. The waves had gotten worse at one point, and Tony was still feeling a churn and growl in his stomach. And Ratter was anxious.

"What about unloading the ship?" someone asked one of the men that were showing them down the gangway.

"We've got enough people doing that, just keep moving," said the man gruffly. His accent wasn't English.

Suddenly Tony felt lost and confused. He didn't know what he was doing here, or where he was going. He didn't even know where they were, just somewhere in the north. And it was cold, there hadn't been any marshmallows or chocolatl, and he just wanted to be home with his family. He was feeling rather hostile towards the lady, whose name he had found out was Mrs. Coulter. Why hadn't she told him about this? She probably just wanted him here. Maybe he would be worked. She had lied, that was certain. With a pang he realized his family probably didn't know where he was.

And suddenly he remembered something. Ratter sat up on his shoulder, now a thickly furred ferret. Rita! She had been his friend from the village down the road from his father's farm, but the Gobblers had taken her. No one knew where she had gone. And there had been searches and she wasn't in the area. Well, the same thing had happened to him. Were these the Gobblers? Was Mrs. Coulter the head of them, or maybe working for them, rounding up children for them? He remembered the rumors that the Gobblers kidnapped children to eat them. He shuddered. Well, they weren't going to eat him and Ratter, whatever happened.

He followed sluggishly at the end of the line. The cold was getting to his fingers and toes and making them numb. He looked ahead. The men were putting the other children on sleds pulled by dogs. Sledges, Ratter told him. One came up to him and pointed at a sledge, his meaning clear. He hurried over and sat down on the end of it, tucked in and getting a good grip. The ferret Ratter snuggled down into his coat and warmed his neck.

_We have to find some way to get out_, he thought.

_Yes,_ agreed Ratter, _but how? Those men will catch you in an instant if you run for it, and they won't be merciful. Some of them are Tartars._

They had both heard of Tartars, and though these men were not the rough warriors of the north, the guess was close enough. Ratter was certainly right, though: they would give no mercy if he tried to escape. He would have to wait.

With a lurch the sledges began to move, and they were zooming across the snow.

* * *

Tony awoke to find Ratter licking his face. She became a hawk again as soon as he opened his eyes and began to preen herself.

"I woke up when the sledge jolted just now, and you didn't," she explained between preens.

"Where are we?" he asked, still a bit groggy. He looked forward and saw the anbaric glare of lights ahead. A frozen mist was gathered all around, but as they approached he was able to see through the gloom a large compound surrounded by a high wall. A metal linked gate opened for them, and the sledges entered. In the flurry of snowflakes he had just barely gotten a glimpse of the courtyard when a man in a long white coat came hurrying out. He grabbed Tony's arm and began to have drag him back towards the door calling, "this way children. This way."

Tony had no choice but to come along with him. They entered a white corridor with the same white anbaric glare. The children were separated and led off to different areas.

"After me, come on now," said the man, who still had a death grip on Tony's arm. The small group of boys he motioned to followed him meekly. They were led into a white bare room with benches. "Wait here," the man said to the other boys as he dragged Tony through another door. An impending dread was falling on him. He looked around and saw a brief glimpse of strange looking instruments before the man was addressing him and giving him directions. Confused, he did carefully what the man directed, standing here, touching this, putting Ratter on that. It was all very confusing.


	3. Rita's Suspicion

Tony was in his bunk in a small dormitory-like room where seven other boys were also sleeping. Except that Tony wasn't sleeping. He was so confused and scared. The tests the man had done hadn't seemed to do anything. The man himself had been very dull and expressionless, as though he were not fully there. And there was something else odd about him, that he just couldn't quite place, but he was so lost by everything around him he didn't think much about it.

The next morning, after finally getting a few hours sleep only to be awoken by the bell that signaled breakfast, he scurried out with the other boys from his room, meeting more boys and making his way into a room rather like a cafeteria. There were girls too, and he looked around for Rita, but couldn't see her anywhere. He got a plate of food and went to sit down with some of the boys from his room, Alfred, Roger, and Billy. Roger and Billy were talking quietly about home, for it seemed they knew each other. Tony recognized Roger as one of the boys who had come in on the sledges the other day.

They talked about the compound, learning from other boys about the classes and schedules they were put to.

"It's not hard," said one boy at a table next to them, "sometimes the classes can be a bit fun, if it weren't for the disappearances."

At Tony's and Roger's confused looks, another boy said, "Yeah, surely you've heard? Occasionally they take people away, and they never come back."

"Do you think they really eat us?" squeaked a small boy in a corner.

"No, no, don't be silly. The only people as eats kids is cannibalds, and there ain't any of those around here, they live down south." The older boy lowered his voice conspiratorially and spoke to the new boys who were crowding around him. "I heard something about experiments and something like cutting. I think they do surgery or something. But no one has ever come back, so we got no idea what really happens."

At that moment a bell tolled somewhere in the building signaling the time for their first set of practical classes, as he filed out in the wake of the older boy who had spoken, he suddenly saw a familiar face. He took a breath to call her name out but Ratter, in the form of a small fox, stepped in front of him and made him stumbled.

_What was that for?_ He asked her angrily.

_We've got to be careful, Tony, _she thought back, and his impatience vanished as he sensed an unusual note of anxiety. _Talk to her later._

He looked back. He had caused a little hold up having knocked into several people when he fell, and in the little tussle of getting up, his eye caught Rita's and a connection of understanding flashed between them. _Later, _he thought to himself, and Ratter wriggled in his hand, a ferret again.

The classes were more practical classes, the sort of thing a father would teach his son as he became a man, and Tony found that, like the one boy had said, the classes would have been fun if it hadn't been for the feeling of doom. Later there was break, and as Tony surged with the rest to the hall where he had had breakfast that morning, he found his opportunity to speak with Rita much sooner than he'd expected.

He was lagging behind the others, as he had taken to doing lately, and found Rita beside him. Soundlessly they slipped through a door that Tony had seen opened when he arrived. They found themselves in a small, white linen room.

"It's safe in here. No one will miss us. We can slip back in amongst the crowd when the bell rings again." He sat down on a stack of folded bedclothes. "So how are you? What's happened?"

She sat down on a crate in a corner and responded, "I'm fine, I guess, but I'm really, really scared. I can't tell any of them, they all think I'm the oldest so I should be brave, but I don't know what to do! These awful Gobblers have us, and now there's no way to get out! That—that boy, he wasn't telling the right thing, he doesn't know. He's just scaring you, but most of us, we know, we know it has so—so—something to do with dæmons!

"Shhh!" said Tony quickly, afraid her wail might have alerted someone outside. "Don't be to loud, there, it's going to be okay, we'll find some way out. Remember at my uncle and your aunt's wedding when we got trapped in the wine cellar? Well, there was someone who remembered us and got us out. And all the people back home haven't forgotten us. I'm scared too," she gave another moan, "but we'll find our wait out. They'll come and break us free, and it'll be just like we used to play down in the village, with all the prisoners dancing free."

He finished breathlessly, spouting words that, though full of an impossible hope, and no effect on lifting his spirits. He had suddenly realized something that had made his blood run cold, and he was trying to forget. He was denying it with all of his being, and focusing on anything else. _They will come_, thought Ratter fiercely, though her doubts lingered with his own. _They haven't forgotten us._


	4. Taken

It was at that moment that the door opened with a soft _whoosh_. Rita stopped crying immediately, and Tony froze stalk still. They were hidden behind some cloths hanging in the middle of the room, but if someone just pushed aside the racks, they would see them. Both the children held their breaths. And then a voice ushered in, the soft voice of one of the dull nurses.

"Come on Tony. I know you're there. Come on, we won't hurt you."

Tony was trembling from head to foot, but he wrapped a hand around Ratter, who was the smallest mouse possible, and stilled himself.

"What's going to happen?" He had only gotten here yesterday. Were they taking him early to whatever doom lay ahead because of his sneaking off?

"We just put you to sleep, and we do a little operation, and you wake up safe and sound. Nothing to worry about…and I promise it won't hurt."

That last part made him start trembling again, but somehow he was able to control his voice enough to say, "What—what's this got to do with my Ratter? You're gonna kill her, ain't you?"

But the nurse, still calm and soft, said, "No, dear, of course not. She goes to sleep too. It's just a small operation. It won't hurt. It wouldn't hurt if you were awake, but we put you to sleep just in case. It's just a small little cut."

Icy fingers were beginning to wrap themselves around his heart. For all her comforting words the nurse might have been threatening him with a knife, for Tony was growing up, and he wasn't to be fooled by this trick. He would have to fight. The nurse would chase him and fight with him, but he could get away, he could hide somewhere. And then he looked over into the corner and remembered Rita.

She was curled up in the corner, arms wrapped tightly around herself and tears pouring down her cheeks again. The nurse didn't know about her, but if she did, she would cut her too. They would get him no matter what, but he could still save her, and she knew what happened now… The dread in his soul was filling him, but he found he could still think. Ratter changed suddenly into a lion, and he stepped out where the nurse could see him.

"That's it dear," she said in the same calm voice, as though she knew this is what would happen all along. He followed her out and into the corridor.

They were heading to a part of the building Tony had never seen any people entering or leaving, and a formidable feeling was growling in his stomach. The nurse had to punch in a code in a key pad by the door. She stopped by the first door on the right.

"Just in there," she said, indicating the door.

Tony was just turning the handle when he realized why she seemed so dull and in some way different.

"Y—you don't have a dæmon!" he said suddenly, but before either the nurse could respond or terror grip him, something else had taken hold of him. It felt like invisible hands were pressing all around him, holding him down and snatching his breath from his lungs. He turned as if in slow motion to see Ratter held in white gloved hands. The doctor was moving away toward some contraption at the far end of the room, but Tony didn't seem to notice. He didn't even know he was moving; he was only conscious of the cold air around him, the pounding of his heart in his ears, the voice that was coming from somewhere nearby saying something unintelligable.

_Ratter, _he was thinking, but she wasn't there like she had always been. Fear coursed between them, and then was gone. Something silver flashed, and everything was gone in an instant. He felt like someone had taken his soul away but left him alive. He staggered. She was leaving, the man in the white coat was taking her away. He willed himself to feel the physical pain as the door closed behind him, but he felt nothing but emptiness. Something was definitely wrong. It had never felt like this when they had tested the bond as children.

He stumbled out into the corridor. The man had disappeared. The nurse was leading him somewhere, her voice echoing from far away. He was dizzy, but not so. Horror and shock engulfed him and he could do nothing but stand there as the nurse helped him put his furs on and led him outside. His mind was wandering, or it was gone, for he could not think. He could hear the nurse giving him directions to the next town.

"It's not far," she was saying, as though nothing had happened. But something had happened, something drastic. Unwilling to face the truth, it was with a rush of adrenaline that almost stopped his heart that he knew Ratter was not part of him anymore. He was dæmon-less.

He went out the door as though in a dream to find a sledge there like the nurse had said. Or maybe it _was_ a dream, and that was why he was not surprised to find it pulling him along. After some while he got off and went down a long slope toward, so he had been told, a town. His Ratter was there, somewhere, he just knew it, and they would jump into each other's arms and be one again. He left the sledge in the direction the man directed, slipping, falling, and getting himself scratched, but only thinking about—only being able to think about—Ratter.


End file.
